 |
| The first few photos we took together 27th March 2012 (5pm) - 15th December 2013 (1.40am) |
No firework. I begins this post with a heavy heart. I think this year is full of surprises? I did not plan to purchase a brand new bus for this year, but we did. I did not plan to purchase a mini bus for our personal use, but we did. I did not plan to purchase two more buses, but today we made a offer of intent to purchase. I did not plan to start another venture (at least not so soon), but we are going to start a travel agency in early 2014! I did not anticipate that I will be quitting my university, but I am going to. And on 15th December, one of the thing that I never and will never think of, is to lose a very nice girlfriend.
Suddenly what was supposed to be the best year ended up as my 2nd lowest point in life. I was in one of the reputable and a dream university, I had one of the best girlfriend that I could ever imagine and my business was doing pretty well. I thought after so much hardship that I experienced in the past is finally going to be of the past. I thought God had finally decided not to test me. But then, suddenly I lost the first two points.
Imagine a girl discussed with you about having combined saving, applying for HDB, about kids and the future. I can't help to feel secured. So much so that I knew I need to work hard to earn enough to make the down-payment for our flat and give her the kind of wedding that she desire. Then I started to plan my future around her. And days before we broke up, she even hurried me to earn more money so that I could put my name beside her. Suddenly, everything seems to be a joke. So much so that I have lost faith in the word, love.
Anyway, I decided to quit my dream university to focus on my work, so that I could earn enough to provide for her and to fulfil the promises that I made during my proposal. I thought losing my education qualification is worthy because I already have a stable relationship whom I planned to propose to her sometime in February 2015 (on the airplane because it was there that brought us together). And I find comfort in that, because at the end of the day I am working for her, working for her happiness and that is worthy enough. So much that I started to plan my lives around her, then suddenly she is out of my life and my world came crashing down, hard I must say. I lost my direction. I don't see a purpose in life. I asked God why does he brings me to life? Why bring me here to fight and fight? Since birth, we are always fighting for our survival, then education, then relationship then career and so on. Why fight I asked him. Here, I am in my 2nd lowest point. They say, what goes up, must come down and I must say, it has came down. But they also say, what goes down, will goes up and so I am waiting for that moment again.
I am scare because all I could do now, is to hope. And hope by wording means that it is uncertain. It has been a long time since this uncertainty feeling came upon me. But I knew someday, things would changed and it will.
I cried alot during the first few days of the breakup. My mum was upset too. We even hugged together and cried. My mum told me she was heartbroken too. I realised all the people can leave you, but your parent will never leave you when you are at your worst. I realised when you are in a relationship, you does not have it with him or her alone but with their family also. My mum was worried about my safety that she followed me to work. She slimmed down after a few days. Just when I wanted to prove to my mum that I am okay, I crashed my vehicle into a gantry barricade! I knew its time to let go.
I took a deep-soul-searching, and I thank God for enlighten me on many aspects. I asked God why did he put her into my life when it was not meant to be? Why let me suffer this? But after my soul-searching, he gave me the answer.
I had a role-reversal, and I viewed from her perspective and before I knew it, my heart was in deep pain and I cried. I asked myself how on earth could I treat her in this manner? I totally deserved to be dumped. She has been very patient in this relationship and I got that for granted and overdone it. She understood clearly why am I working so hard for and she knows I love her even though my action didn't tell much. But I was so intricate that I failed to do the bare minimum. It is this thought that I couldn't forgive myself. There are so many little things I could do to make her happy (and maybe retain that faith) but I was too myopia with my work, thinking that the best gift for her is to be able to provide for her future. I was wrong to think that I could make up for the shortfall in the future. She is still young. She still desire for the kind of attention that all other girls want. If she decides to settle down with you but this does not mean that I can stop doing the basic showering of love.
I kept asking myself how I on earth have I not thought of this? Too silly, too myopia. Eventhough I was constantly worrying and planning for the business, I should have always spend some time with her. At the end of the day, it was still a commitment and I should do my part.
There are already signs from God that I should start paying attention on her, but I ignored (just) because I always thoughts she understand why I am doing this. I was trending high in my life, and when signs shows up, I always thought that it is not a problem. Too much of myself. The cup was full. But now I have emptied the cup and I am going to write down all my mistakes and take away from this relationship and paste it on my wall. I want to be remembered of this. I want to be the William that I knew.
And I am happy that I am motivated to change for the better. There is a sense of urgency for me to change. A determination feeling that I had not felt since my A' level days. For whoever in the future, I know she will be lucky to meet the new me. I am going to step out of the comfort zone to be more independent and I am going to a real man.
The first few days was pretty hard. I actually ate 1 meal per day and even so I couldn't finished the bowl. I slept 2 hours everyday. Sleeping suddenly became the hardest activity when I am those kind who could sleep within 2min upon touching my bed. Then I transient from asking why to worrying for her. I worried if she would eat well, worried if she would meet a better guy and I just kept praying. It is so tough to go through this but I am glad that I am the one going through because she was once worried that one day I might went up to her and told her that "I don't have feeling for her". I don't know if I replied her, but in my mind I was thinking why would I want to give up on her when I already planned so much?
There are alot of good memories together. I will keep them. It was a bittersweet feeling whenever I past by a place we have been, like Marina Bay, Garden by the bay, Singapore Flyer and many more. For the past 2 weeks I have been thinking from how we met to how we got together to how we re-met again after we got together. Those travelling of 395km from Singapore to her house and how I am always smitten by her when she wait for me at the train station. It was always like an angel waiting for me. It was not a easy ride for the last 629days. That itself, makes everything worthy. Those overnight at the train station, the overnight journey, the overnight waiting for you at MacDonald. Despite all the odds, we managed to overcome and she finally relocated to Singapore. How we started planning for flat, kids and saving to all the activities that I planned to do with you in December because I knew I have been neglecting you to what it is today. I could only blame myself for this, to lose these.
I had made a promise to her and now I leave my fate to God to plan. If we are meant to be together again, we will. My door for her did not close. I have given her my blessing and I truly hope that the next guy will be better (eventhough I trust that I will be even better than him in the future haha).
I am going to put all my energy into the business and I am going to put words into action. I am going to change. Maybe it was all in God's plan? On the last day of 2013, we are going big on business for next year. We just made a offer of intent to purchase not 1 but 2 buses! Maybe God's knew that I need to focus my energy in it to make it work and he knows that the kind of love you desire which I could not give for now. And so he arranged something else. Let's trust his plan.
Thank you Ng Joe Yie. Thank you for the special 1 year 9 months. Thank you for the 629 days 8 hours 40minutes eventhough we spent most of the time apart. Thank you for giving me your best. Thank you for resisting those "bees" and believed in me. And Thank you for the lessons learnt. I wished to pen everything down but I thought I shall write it somewhere else. If you happened to chance upon my blog, I hope that it will be at the "promise" I made to you and I hope by then I already achieved something in life and you already see the William that you want to see.
God, it's back to you. Please make 2014 be better than 2013. Thank you. I don't know what I will be expecting for 2014. Let's hope for the best.
I know I will miss you and the laughter we had.
I know I will miss your shoulder bite.
Letting you go is only fair in times like this.
And I am proud to have you to be my girlfriend (something I did not tell you)
Sorry for the unintended words that hurt.
"every breath I took, was a moment of pain"
"we were meant to be, supposed to be, but we lost it"
"December was supposed to be the sweetest month. We were supposed to be in church for Christmas and stroll-walk home. We were supposed to be watching firework together"
"someday when I make it, and they ask if I sacrifice anything through the journey, I will tell them that in the process of achieving success, I lost a very good girl. A girl that I would want to marry and be with her till either of our last breathe."
"I wish I could have woken up and change for the better, if I had done so, perhaps the outcome would have been different. Yet, I knew if you did not leave, I will not see the problems and I might not be the better guy in the future"
Imagine a girl discussed with you about having combined saving, applying for HDB, about kids and the future. I can't help to feel secured. So much so that I knew I need to work hard to earn enough to make the down-payment for our flat and give her the kind of wedding that she desire. Then I started to plan my future around her. And days before we broke up, she even hurried me to earn more money so that I could put my name beside her. Suddenly, everything seems to be a joke. So much so that I have lost faith in the word, love.
Anyway, I decided to quit my dream university to focus on my work, so that I could earn enough to provide for her and to fulfil the promises that I made during my proposal. I thought losing my education qualification is worthy because I already have a stable relationship whom I planned to propose to her sometime in February 2015 (on the airplane because it was there that brought us together). And I find comfort in that, because at the end of the day I am working for her, working for her happiness and that is worthy enough. So much that I started to plan my lives around her, then suddenly she is out of my life and my world came crashing down, hard I must say. I lost my direction. I don't see a purpose in life. I asked God why does he brings me to life? Why bring me here to fight and fight? Since birth, we are always fighting for our survival, then education, then relationship then career and so on. Why fight I asked him. Here, I am in my 2nd lowest point. They say, what goes up, must come down and I must say, it has came down. But they also say, what goes down, will goes up and so I am waiting for that moment again.
I am scare because all I could do now, is to hope. And hope by wording means that it is uncertain. It has been a long time since this uncertainty feeling came upon me. But I knew someday, things would changed and it will.
I cried alot during the first few days of the breakup. My mum was upset too. We even hugged together and cried. My mum told me she was heartbroken too. I realised all the people can leave you, but your parent will never leave you when you are at your worst. I realised when you are in a relationship, you does not have it with him or her alone but with their family also. My mum was worried about my safety that she followed me to work. She slimmed down after a few days. Just when I wanted to prove to my mum that I am okay, I crashed my vehicle into a gantry barricade! I knew its time to let go.
I took a deep-soul-searching, and I thank God for enlighten me on many aspects. I asked God why did he put her into my life when it was not meant to be? Why let me suffer this? But after my soul-searching, he gave me the answer.
I had a role-reversal, and I viewed from her perspective and before I knew it, my heart was in deep pain and I cried. I asked myself how on earth could I treat her in this manner? I totally deserved to be dumped. She has been very patient in this relationship and I got that for granted and overdone it. She understood clearly why am I working so hard for and she knows I love her even though my action didn't tell much. But I was so intricate that I failed to do the bare minimum. It is this thought that I couldn't forgive myself. There are so many little things I could do to make her happy (and maybe retain that faith) but I was too myopia with my work, thinking that the best gift for her is to be able to provide for her future. I was wrong to think that I could make up for the shortfall in the future. She is still young. She still desire for the kind of attention that all other girls want. If she decides to settle down with you but this does not mean that I can stop doing the basic showering of love.
I kept asking myself how I on earth have I not thought of this? Too silly, too myopia. Eventhough I was constantly worrying and planning for the business, I should have always spend some time with her. At the end of the day, it was still a commitment and I should do my part.
There are already signs from God that I should start paying attention on her, but I ignored (just) because I always thoughts she understand why I am doing this. I was trending high in my life, and when signs shows up, I always thought that it is not a problem. Too much of myself. The cup was full. But now I have emptied the cup and I am going to write down all my mistakes and take away from this relationship and paste it on my wall. I want to be remembered of this. I want to be the William that I knew.
And I am happy that I am motivated to change for the better. There is a sense of urgency for me to change. A determination feeling that I had not felt since my A' level days. For whoever in the future, I know she will be lucky to meet the new me. I am going to step out of the comfort zone to be more independent and I am going to a real man.
The first few days was pretty hard. I actually ate 1 meal per day and even so I couldn't finished the bowl. I slept 2 hours everyday. Sleeping suddenly became the hardest activity when I am those kind who could sleep within 2min upon touching my bed. Then I transient from asking why to worrying for her. I worried if she would eat well, worried if she would meet a better guy and I just kept praying. It is so tough to go through this but I am glad that I am the one going through because she was once worried that one day I might went up to her and told her that "I don't have feeling for her". I don't know if I replied her, but in my mind I was thinking why would I want to give up on her when I already planned so much?
There are alot of good memories together. I will keep them. It was a bittersweet feeling whenever I past by a place we have been, like Marina Bay, Garden by the bay, Singapore Flyer and many more. For the past 2 weeks I have been thinking from how we met to how we got together to how we re-met again after we got together. Those travelling of 395km from Singapore to her house and how I am always smitten by her when she wait for me at the train station. It was always like an angel waiting for me. It was not a easy ride for the last 629days. That itself, makes everything worthy. Those overnight at the train station, the overnight journey, the overnight waiting for you at MacDonald. Despite all the odds, we managed to overcome and she finally relocated to Singapore. How we started planning for flat, kids and saving to all the activities that I planned to do with you in December because I knew I have been neglecting you to what it is today. I could only blame myself for this, to lose these.
I had made a promise to her and now I leave my fate to God to plan. If we are meant to be together again, we will. My door for her did not close. I have given her my blessing and I truly hope that the next guy will be better (eventhough I trust that I will be even better than him in the future haha).
I am going to put all my energy into the business and I am going to put words into action. I am going to change. Maybe it was all in God's plan? On the last day of 2013, we are going big on business for next year. We just made a offer of intent to purchase not 1 but 2 buses! Maybe God's knew that I need to focus my energy in it to make it work and he knows that the kind of love you desire which I could not give for now. And so he arranged something else. Let's trust his plan.
Thank you Ng Joe Yie. Thank you for the special 1 year 9 months. Thank you for the 629 days 8 hours 40minutes eventhough we spent most of the time apart. Thank you for giving me your best. Thank you for resisting those "bees" and believed in me. And Thank you for the lessons learnt. I wished to pen everything down but I thought I shall write it somewhere else. If you happened to chance upon my blog, I hope that it will be at the "promise" I made to you and I hope by then I already achieved something in life and you already see the William that you want to see.
God, it's back to you. Please make 2014 be better than 2013. Thank you. I don't know what I will be expecting for 2014. Let's hope for the best.
I know I will miss you and the laughter we had.
I know I will miss your shoulder bite.
Letting you go is only fair in times like this.
And I am proud to have you to be my girlfriend (something I did not tell you)
Sorry for the unintended words that hurt.
"every breath I took, was a moment of pain"
"we were meant to be, supposed to be, but we lost it"
"December was supposed to be the sweetest month. We were supposed to be in church for Christmas and stroll-walk home. We were supposed to be watching firework together"
"someday when I make it, and they ask if I sacrifice anything through the journey, I will tell them that in the process of achieving success, I lost a very good girl. A girl that I would want to marry and be with her till either of our last breathe."
"I wish I could have woken up and change for the better, if I had done so, perhaps the outcome would have been different. Yet, I knew if you did not leave, I will not see the problems and I might not be the better guy in the future"
No comments:
Post a Comment